I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
