Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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