Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
