You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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