connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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