I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
even my farts smell like vagina
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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