I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he fucked my hip out of place.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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