Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
