Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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