and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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