i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
