Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
