I met the friendliest cop last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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