Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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