If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
