im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
