Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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