Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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