first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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