I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
