I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
