Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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