peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Terrible idea I love it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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