so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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