It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
