I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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