dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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