im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
