I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
