Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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