I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
