And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
