The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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