just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
