someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if only i could text you this smell
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
