Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
