I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
