I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
