There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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