I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
