is your mom at the bar?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
