if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
