if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
