I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
