The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
