Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
