At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
