Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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