New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
