If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
