Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
