i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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