Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
